As a teenager, my limited insight misled me and I made choices that would cause me to face a decision at the age of 17 that I was not prepared to handle. I was instructed to pray about the decision to be made but I didn’t know the word of God, let alone his voice. Instead, what I heard and believed was the voice of fear and doubt, whispering to me, “I can’t. I can’t have this baby.” I made a choice to abort the life that had been formed inside of me.
Nineteen years later, the promising trajectory I was once set for as a teen was a hazy memory. I had morphed into something, someone different, and there was no one I knew to turn to with my pain, no one to talk to that understood my shame or could help me get back on the right path. Through those years, a darkness settled over me like a heavy fog that drifts into the early morning and impairs your view of your surroundings; a darkness that separated me from truth, from value, from identity and purpose. It was a suffocating, isolating darkness that pulled me further away from my hoped-for possibility. It was a thieving darkness that robbed me of joy and peace and covered those voids with confusion, anger, fear, and anxiety.
Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Ps 37:4
Sounds easy…right? Well, I think I had to learn the hard way that putting this verse into practice would not come so easy for me. “Delight” would not be a feeling, but would be a deliberate choice!
I grew up the youngest of four, with a father as a pastor, which meant church has always been a big part of my life. I placed my trust in Christ at the early age of seven and was so excited to live my life for the Lord. I distinctly remember memorizing Ps 37:4 and how powerfully it spoke to my heart, quickly becoming a favorite of mine. However, my early impression of this verse and the way my mind interpreted it was that if I read my Bible, prayed, and went to church enough, I would get all my little heart desired. Of course, I would never think of actually saying these words to anyone for how it may sound, but deep in my heart this belief took root. Little did I know that God would quickly change this false perception as I journeyed through my twenties, which would inevitably move my misguided view of what I wanted, to what He needed for me. Also moving me from an emotion of happiness to an intentional choice of delighting in Him.
“Praise the Lord, For His mercy endures forever.” – 2 Chronicles 20:21 NKJV
Exactly 8 years ago this month, I gave birth to my third child. Her name was Claire. She was stillborn. It was a faith walk like no other I had ever been on, and didn’t unfold the way I thought it would or should. My faith was rocked at its core when I found out my daughter had passed away and that I actually was going to have to deliver her. The road I went down after I lost her was very dark and lonely. Today, I am healed, restored and on the other side of that journey. Most people know my general story… the obvious parts. Faith, a pastor’s wife, was pregnant again for the third time in three years, with another daughter (yay!), found out something was wrong with the baby, prayed and believed greatly for healing, but at 5 months pregnant had to give birth to an already passed child. She became very sad and then God did a work and she’s great now!
I rarely talk about what happened between the time I had her and when God restored me. It’s an ugly story. We don’t like to talk about that. We like the good parts. But sometimes we have to talk about the bad parts to qualify how good the good parts really are. So between us, I became very bitter and angry which is not a hat I wear well, or maybe I wore it too well. I completely withdrew. I only attended church because I wanted my children to believe in something. I don’t say this casually, I say it with tears in my eyes while writing this, because I am reminded of God’s amazing grace, and how He took me back, but I walked away from my faith.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” – 2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV
As I prepare this piece of my story, the tv plays in the background and from a cartoon I hear, “If you never leap, you’ll never know what it is to fly.” I’m awestruck having just prayed for help to write this. Leap? Who me? The old me squeals, “No”. The new me says, “Now!! Take the leap, take the plunge—Christ is your life jacket and parachute. He’s everything you need.”
In my wander and prayerful search for answers, a word of knowledge arose to me: ‘a new thing’ or ‘new creation’. I turned to Google and Bible Hub for help. I found Isaiah 43:19 says “See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?” Yes, I perceived it, I just didn’t know what I was perceiving. It continues to say, “I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the desert.” Then I came across 2 Corinthians 5:17 which says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!”
Chapters have closed and new ones have begun. I’ve often said that I’m not the same person that I was pre-fast. Post-fast me is stronger, wiser and more like the person I believe God has created me to be. I’ve transitioned from timid, shy, indecisive, insecure, fearful, ‘little ole me’ whose preference was to stay in the background and blend with the scenery, to a bold, confident woman who recognizes that every ounce of worth and value is from God above. Through fasting and praying, my relationship with God has led me to a better understanding of who He has called me to be which has resulted in a true understanding that I’m not supposed to blend, but rather blossom and represent Him.
For years I struggled to get pregnant with our second child. We had gone through all kinds of testing, and we couldn’t get any answers as to why. After years passed, I began to let go of hope. I began to try and convince myself that a promise I believed
He had given me wasn’t really for me. More years passed, and my husband and I decided that if we couldn’t conceive naturally that we were going to adopt. What happened next is crazy.
I received a phone call from a woman who had heard that we wanted to adopt! We had never met her, but had mutual connections. She went on to tell us about a four year old boy that was going to be put up for adoption. In that moment, my whole world changed! I thought that this was it – everything that we had prayed for was happening! After many visits and prayer, we decided to bring this little guy in our home for a week to see how he would do with our family. During this week, I quickly begin to see why I had the desire for another child! The week was full of constant prayer for this little guy and the future of our family. When praying, I couldn’t shake this feeling that we weren’t supposed to move forward with his adoption. I honestly didn’t want to admit this, because I believed this was my promise, that this was the future I had waited for. The week quickly came to the end, and we didn’t move forward with his adoption.That was one of the hardest moments in my life. After years of waiting and praying, I knew we couldn’t be that family for him. I was heartbroken. During this time, I heard God repetitively asking me to trust Him. To really trust Him in my future and to trust that He is really for me and not against me. To lean not on my own understanding, but His. To fully trust Him and know that no matter what, He has my back. God always makes a way, even if we can’t see the path. I can confidently say that when we let go and let God, He is faithful everytime.
“It shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer; And while they are still speaking, I will hear.” – Isaiah 65:24 NKJV
I have been in ministry with my husband for 50 years. Many of the years we spent fulfilling the calling to plant and pioneer churches. Often, this meant we had to be obedient to the call we lived by faith. Living by faith meant going forth without a promise from man of receiving any monetary support, yet being confident that God would never send us where His provision would not keep us. Our faith was tested time and again as we would run right up against a deadline that man had set. It seemed as though God was going to be late too, but there was never a time when we were not provided for in GOD’S timing. This taught us that man’s deadline and God’s timeline are not the same.
The story I am about to share is just one of those times when our faith would be tested, and a scripture would forever be made alive to us. It was one that would stand us in good stead and one to rely on for future events. (This and other faith-building stories are found in the Book written by our daughter Jennifer Hewett Smith about Pastor Jerry Hewett’s life story called: The Baboon and the Spider.)
“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” – Psalms 91:1-2 NIV
Life doesn’t seem fair when your four-month-old baby boy is diagnosed with leukemia. It is something that absolutely brings your world as you know it crashing down. You question why this had to happen to him and to your family. You plead with God to turn back time.
Those first few days of being in the hospital with him will forever be etched into my mind – the emotions, the feelings of helplessness, that “hospital” smell, the friends and family who came to see us…I distinctly remember the moment of realization that leukemia meant cancer. Fear of what the future held for us began to take over my thoughts. Feelings of anger crept up at times that we were having to go through this.
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” – 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 NIV
This scripture has seen me through some of my most trying days. I grew up in a religiously “split” home. My mother was very religious. She made my four siblings and I get on our knees every night and pray together. She prayed over us every single morning before we left for school. Religious phrases were in most sentences she spoke. It drove us crazy as kids. My father, on the other hand, was not very religious. He professed his faith and believed in the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus but he just wasn’t into religion or religious tradition AT ALL. Growing up this way was very confusing to me. I was raised to think my father was “less” of a Christian than my mother since he didn’t do all the “outward things” she did. It wasn’t until much later (after I married) that I realized the danger of “religion” and how wonderful of a father I had grown up with. He helped those less fortunate and was an amazing provider for his wife and five children. He never bragged about his good deeds, but his actions were so loving.
Every story has a beginning, and my beginning started in January of 2014. Over the last four and half years, I have had 6 pregnancies that have ended in miscarriages. How could anyone be prepared for that?
But I’ve found that God has been prepared for my story from the very beginning of time. He knew me and was waiting, already prepared for me. Because you see, as we are knit together in our mother’s wombs, our heavenly father is gracing us for our stories, the good, the bad, and the downright ugly parts. He knows we live in a fallen world and all the circumstances we will face because of that. He knows exactly what we need and when we need it, in every situation we come across. The trouble comes when we don’t rely on the prepared One to walk us through it.
Wonder is living in a place with childlike faith.
What are you believing God to do?
Children do not know limits. They believe anything is possible.
They haven’t been tainted with culture and put limitations on God.
Living in a place of wonder is having belief like you have never been disappointed.
It’s believing for healing even though you have not experienced it.
It’s believing for freedom when you are in prison.
It’s believing for provision even if you are in poverty.
It’s believing your God can do what He says He can do, and saying He is good no matter what.
This is living in the wonder of God.
When the wonder of God has been stolen from your vision of Him, it is because you have believed a lie instead of His truth.
That lie may have set root when you prayed for a loved one and the prayer wasn’t answered.
My husband Tony was very sick at the time and we really didn’t know what was going to happen to him. Our children were worried, I was worried, and my mind immediately went to the worst. How will my kids survive without a dad? How would I deal on my own? We think we’re living this life for you, God; we’re believing for You to do amazing things in our life – why is life this hard? Long story short, it took about a year to get him well with therapy. And God gave me time to be ministered to during all of this. We were so overwhelmed and so hopeless when God reached in and gave us hope. Now, Tony is recovered and it’s a total miracle. By God’s grace, he is recovered!
During that time not only was the enemy attacking my family, but he was speaking lies into my life. The enemy was saying, ‘I might not attack you, but I’ll attack the closest thing to you– your family. And you, Ana, will be a caregiver for the rest of your life.’ And I responded with ‘Oh no I’m not.’ I knew better! God’s word is more powerful than any scheme the enemy had against me. God just spoke to me saying, ‘Ana, if you will just trust me and let me take your hand, I promise, I will use your story for my glory” and He has for 14 years.
Even if you’re overwhelmed in your circumstances, if you will allow God to overwhelm you with His love and grace, your life will never be the same. It’s amazing how right after all of the enemy’s attacks, the body of Christ rose up and ministered to us in ways I can’t even explain. The body of Christ partnering with the word of God is what got us through that time. Ladies–you have got to get ahold of the word of God and worship. That is what carried me and carries me still. Now, don’t think it was all easy. It was hard. God challenged me to serve Him, and I didn’t wait until everything was perfect to go plant seeds and live for Him. Some of the lies the enemy will tell you is that you are too far gone. He’ll convince you that you’re too messed up for God, that you’ve done too much wrong for Him to love you, and that you’ll be judged by others if you serve. THAT IS NOT TRUE!
You don’t have to have everything perfect to be used by God. You don’t have to wait until your life looks like its without blemish. If you did, you’d be waiting forever! Life isn’t always easy. We make mistakes, we’re imperfect, we’re all sorts of messed up but His faithfulness to us remains. Until I see His face, I’m going to run the race and live for Him.
Just by allowing Him to use me, I’ve grown in my faith and produced so much fruit from that. Friends, continue to sow your seed, believe that He will provide an answer for whatever your need is. Serve Him no matter what place of life you’re at. He is so worth it!
This verse has become my life verse, and I want you all to know that it’s a promise to us:
‘Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.’
Psalm 126: 5-6
Sow the seed He’s given to you even when it’s hard, and you’ll return with songs of joy. I hope this story ministers to you as it does to me. I am in such awe of how God carried me then, and continues to take me further in my walk with Him all because I kept serving Him. “


“I guess the root of my entire story is that I never felt enough. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I never felt enough for anyone. I wanted to be bubbly, happy-go-lucky, outgoing, but I just wasn’t. I was shy, awkward, and had zero friends. My mom came from the Philippines, so she was raised in a totally different culture than we are in America. There you’re taught to get things done, make everyone satisfied and that’s how you succeed. We always had full bellies, clean clothes, and a clean house, but there was hardly a relationship there. This was so hard for me! I was caught in a place of thankfulness for what my mom did for us. Yet, I was so empty because I felt like I never had an intentional, meaningful and nurturing relationship with my mom or my dad. So, picture this: braces, glasses, awkward, lonely…. That was me at 14. I had a shy personality. You could barely get me to tell anyone my name, much less have an actual conversation with them. Even in the midst of that shy shell, I knew that my deepest desire was to be enough. I never knew what it was like to be chased after or pursued; not by my parents, not by boys, not by anyone, but I knew that I wanted it. A couple months later, I got my braces off and traded my glasses for contacts. This was HUGE for me. I felt confident to break out of my shell. There was a boldness in me that was different than before. This was it. I was becoming who I always wanted to be. My freshman year of High School, I met my first boyfriend. To go even further, my first everything. As I mentioned earlier, I’d never had someone pursue me. So you can imagine, the idea of someone loving me ‘unconditionally’ and promising ‘forever’ was something I was not letting go of. Within a month of us dating, I gave my virginity to him, started partying, and really fell into that lifestyle. There was always something inside of me that made me feel guilty and ashamed. However, I loved the attention and the worth I felt from my boyfriend and friends. Due to the attention, I ignored the guilt and shame. My life SEEMED like it was perfect, but truly it was so far from that.
Fast forward about a year later, I’m still hanging out with the same friends, dating the same guy, living the same life when everything changes for me. It was a week after I turned fifteen when my boyfriend and I had sex without protection. I always thought, ‘I’m not that worried, it won’t happen to me.’ Little did I know, it would. About two months after my birthday, I found out I was pregnant. That’s right… fifteen, a sophomore in high school, and pregnant. This isn’t what I dreamed of, this isn’t what I planned, but this was happening. My first thought was abortion, but my family grew up Catholic so that wasn’t an option. My next thought was adoption. The issue when wanting to give up a child was never a lack of love, but a lack of responsibility. I didn’t want to be responsible for a child. I barely had my life together! I wouldn’t be able to go to spring break if I had a baby. I wouldn’t be invited to the same parties if I had a baby. There’s no way I was keeping it! When I told my parents, obviously abortion wasn’t an option and they explained adoption in depth. When I realized all it took, I knew I couldn’t do it. The attachment I would have to this baby nine months later would be even stronger than what I felt at this moment. This was it– I was keeping and raising this baby whether I could or not. I kept thinking, ‘I have great friends, a great boyfriend, and a great life…but I’m pregnant.’ My prayer as a pregnant fifteen-year-old wasn’t ‘God, give me the ability to raise this baby.’ My prayer was ‘God, give this baby to someone who needs it.’
After I had Aden, I fell back into the partying scene. I stopped dating Aden’s dad and began dating a new guy. We had an apartment together and I genuinely thought I was going to be with him ‘forever’. Until one day I came home to an empty apartment, no money and a baby to raise by myself. This was probably the loneliest and darkest place of my life. I sat there on the empty floor and asked myself, ‘Asia, when was the last time you were truly happy?’ No matter what I drank, I had no substance. No matter how hard I tried, I had no friends. No matter what I gave up, I had no boyfriend and no identity. How was I going to fix this?
I remembered a time when I was truly happy. I was a teenager in ICON. Even though I wasn’t living right in my teenage year, I remembered lessons we learned and worship songs we sang. In this moment of complete destruction, I decided to come back to City Hope and try to get my life together again. God was working in me, I felt loved and cared for by God, but I still craved good friendships. After about a year of just coming by myself, Pastor Josh asked me to lead a small group at South with this girl named Lori. All I could hear was the enemy saying, ‘You? You’re 20 with a baby. What do you have to offer to these girls?’ but God said something different. I went to the small group and fell in love with the community. They didn’t care that I had a son or who I used to be. They love me and pursue me for who I am now. I started getting involved in our college ministry, VIEW. I have met even more people to surround myself with that love Jesus and want to make His name known to people. I’m genuinely mind blown at how God took me: the girl, who on paper should’ve never made it, and gave me worth. He gave me an identity, He gave me community, and He met my needs. I wanted to share this story with you not that you’d feel pity for me or be sad, but that you would rise above your circumstance. Maybe you’re not fifteen and pregnant, but you could be thirty-five and lonely. Either way, God wants to use you! You are worth it. The creator of the universe is in constant pursuit of YOU! God has a purpose and a plan for your life. That purpose may be different than you envision, but in the end, He makes beauty from the ashes. If you’re praying for a community, relationship, value, worth, or even a need to be met, keep praying! Keep trusting God to fulfill it because I promise you, He will do it. Then He’ll do it again. Wait on Him!”
When my husband Hayden and I got married, he married me because I was strong and confident and life-giving. Our marriage was fun, a breath of fresh air, and truly you couldn’t ask for more. Fast forward to 2013 – we were married for 2 years before having our baby girl Palmer, and the feelings of being pregnant weren’t all I had hoped. Yes, my pregnancy was hard like most are, but childbirth was even harder. I experienced something during childbirth that less than 1% of people experience. It was a traumatic experience where my baby had the potential of not living after birth. But it was such a God thing because I knew, no matter what, I was having this baby. The whole way to the hospital I just kept saying over my body, my home and my family: “God take care of my baby.” You never know fear until you’re at the darkest place of your life wondering, ‘is my child still alive?’ When we got to the hospital, by the grace of God, she had a heartbeat and immediately we had an emergency C-Section. Through trauma, confusion and chaos came such beauty, and her name is Palmer Elsie. It’s true, she’s beauty from the ashes, she’s peace in that storm, and to us, we believed she was the perfect addition to our family. But the enemy had different plans.
You see, after you have a baby, you always envision bliss. I saw this perfect life – of course tired, but beautiful days. Yet, my days were the exact opposite. They were sad, tired, and lonely days. You never look up postpartum depression because no one wants to assume they’d have that. Life was hard. My days were really long, and my nights were even longer because I was tortured with my thoughts of doubt, fear and pure emptiness. I felt like everything my husband loved about me (strong, confident, live-giving), was sucked out of me. The enemy convinced me that everything good in me wasn’t good or helpful to anyone, including my child. I stopped and asked myself, ‘why did I do this?’ ‘Why did I have a baby? Everything was so perfect.” Horrible, right? But it was real. It was my life.
No one told me that having a baby can make you feel so complicated inside afterward. The enemy was using my child to make me believe that sweet Palmer was the one making me this way. There were days where I could feel my happy slowly slip away. You see, anxiety, depression and blood chilling fear inside is something that isn’t accepted in women today because when you admit that, the enemy tells you that you’re weak, unaccepted and rejected. I was embarrassed to talk with my husband, and my sister who’s my best friend about it. Everyone thought I was rocking the mom life, but truthfully, I had nothing. I felt so unworthy to be a mom. I would repeatedly ask God to take care of her for me. Everyone was telling me, “your baby is so cute!” but no one asked me, “are you okay?” and I certainly wouldn’t tell people I wasn’t. I prayed bigger, harder and louder than I had ever prayed before in these moments. During prayer, Isaiah 41:10 would come to me. My favorite part of the verse says, “Do not fear for I AM YOUR GOD.” If happiness was trying to be taken from me, I could speak this verse over in my life. I got stronger the more I was praying but I still battled depression. Truly, I felt like I was so far gone and had done so much damage that no matter how hard I prayed, I wouldn’t be good enough.
And then I went to Unique. In 2015, the biggest song they were playing was “No Longer Slaves” and the chorus brought me to my knees. This was my life! I was a slave to fear. I loved my child, there was no doubt about that, but I was chained to this fear in my life. The lyrics say, “From my mother’s womb you have chosen me, your love has called my name” and in the moment they began singing it, I felt free. I decided then that I was going to start living for God’s plan and not the devil’s plot. God’s plan is for me to be a mom, to love my babies, and to give everything I can to raise them up in a loving home, and the enemy was taking all of it from me. God saved my child, and my life, and the enemy wanted to wreck God’s plan, and I was letting him! At Unique Conference, they played that song multiple times that weekend, and every time I felt lighter and lighter. The women at Unique genuinely wanted to pray with me and wanted what I wanted for myself– healing and freedom. After the last session, I immediately got in the car, and I admitted to being depressed to my family. But I knew now that I wasn’t going back. I wasn’t going to be a slave to fear, but I was going to walk in my identity as a child of God.
A couple years later, when I got pregnant with my second little, I was so scared that I was going to go through the same thing. With my son Ace, I again had a traumatic childbirth. He wasn’t breathing, they were scared he wouldn’t make it. But, I knew God had a different plan. I spoke in confidence saying, “God take care of this baby” and right then, he started crying and breathing on his own. One of the nurses said “You’re so lucky.” But the second nurse said, “That’s not luck, she called God into this room.” People could SEE the power of God from me speaking LIFE in faith of His power to heal my child.
After Ace, I suffered nothing that I did with Palmer– this was the life that I envisioned. It’s all because of the power of prayer. I can look back and see how powerful the enemy is, but I can stand there and see how much bigger God is. I never took the time then to see how God was going to use my story to impact other women who have gone or are going through this. Now, I’m amazed at how God orchestrates those encounters with other women suffering through depression. He took my pain and made me new. He made my story of brokenness into a story of breakthrough. When I open up to people, they have said “I have felt this way for months, how did you get out? ” and I am now able to minister to people through my story. Through all of this, I can’t help but stop and gaze at my healthy children and be in awe of God. To tell you my story is to tell of Him. Whenever you think you’re too deep in depression, or you can’t even get the thoughts out of your head, He’s calling you His child. He has chosen you every day, and continues to choose you. He WANTS to take that from you, will you let Him?”
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
Happy Tuesday beautiful!
I hope you’ve been enjoying Lioness Arising – both the book and your Summer Group! I can’t believe we’re already in Week 4, meaning we are halfway done! I have been so challenged. Actually, “challenged” isn’t quite the right word. I have been straight up confronted. Some areas of insecurity in my life that I did not know even existed have been CONFRONTED! Ouch. But “good” ouch. I hope the same has been true for you. 😉Read More
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