As a teenager, my limited insight misled me and I made choices that would cause me to face a decision at the age of 17 that I was not prepared to handle. I was instructed to pray about the decision to be made but I didn’t know the word of God, let alone his voice. Instead, what I heard and believed was the voice of fear and doubt, whispering to me, “I can’t. I can’t have this baby.” I made a choice to abort the life that had been formed inside of me.
Nineteen years later, the promising trajectory I was once set for as a teen was a hazy memory. I had morphed into something, someone different, and there was no one I knew to turn to with my pain, no one to talk to that understood my shame or could help me get back on the right path. Through those years, a darkness settled over me like a heavy fog that drifts into the early morning and impairs your view of your surroundings; a darkness that separated me from truth, from value, from identity and purpose. It was a suffocating, isolating darkness that pulled me further away from my hoped-for possibility. It was a thieving darkness that robbed me of joy and peace and covered those voids with confusion, anger, fear, and anxiety.
In the absence of His truth, all I heard and believed were lies. In the absence of a relationship with Him and being fulfilled by Him, I sought other means to fill the increasing void. In 2013, at a point when I didn’t feel I could sink any deeper, something prompted me to ask God, “if you are real, if you are who they say you are, surely you meant for my life to be more than this.” Almost instantly, he responded. He reached down into the pit where I was trapped and He pulled me from its darkness. He set me on a new path. Once where my heart had been fearful, angry, and untrusting, now began to feel hope and joy. The past five years have been an amazing journey to redemption and restoration.
Romans 8:28 declares “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Throughout my journey, I’ve heard this verse spoken in messages and directly to me, and I’ve been holding onto its promise as my new truth. I am grateful that at the moment I was awakened to wonder if there could be more in this life for me, God was ready and willing to meet me right there in the pit of darkness and begin a new work in me. All it took was a pause to wonder about the possibility through Him.
Heavenly Father, what would you like for me to pause to wonder about in my life today? If I have tried to hide something from You, please stir it within my heart that I may lay it at Your feet. I believe as Your word says in Romans 8:28, that You can take what was meant for my destruction and make good come from this. I am choosing to trust You today, and start this journey to redemption with You. I love you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.